Dateline Washington, D.C. and Brunswick, Maine:
Public discourse in the United States has been dominated in recent weeks by rhetoric insisting that ‘the wealthy need to pay their fair share,’ whatever the hell that might be. This political mandate has been embraced by those who believe that confiscating all earned income will go a long way towards reducing the annual federal deficit.
Responding to this imperative, various American billionaires, most prominently among them Warren Buffet, have gone public saying ‘Master, I have sinned. So let me pay more, more, more.’ Buffet has apparently been unable to find a way to pay more than the minimum his attorneys and accountants have determined he owes.
His pleading rings hollow, however, given reports that he is in arrears by a mere billion or so in prior tax obligations. No matter; we should all be shamed by his sincerity, humility, and integrity in taxation policy.
As anyone who studied advanced micro-economics in the third grade knows, the secret to financial success in our economically unjust society is to ‘find a need and fill it.’
For decades, thousands of tax attorneys have made billions minimizing tax exposure for their wealthy clients, ensuring that the nation accrues catastrophic deficits year after year. Only recently has guilt such as that expressed by Buffet and others of his ilk been so publicly proclaimed.
Buffet, worth something like $30 billion, is reportedly an honorable and forthright businessman. We are confident, though, that during his lengthy career as a wildly successful capitalist, Warren has spent millions and millions on lawyers charged with minimizing tax exposure for his business dealings.
If we are to believe his recent public posturing, Buffet and his humble compadres are sorely ashamed, and awash in guilt for selfish pre-occupation with their bottom line, even if they have been law abiding. According to their lawyers, that is.
On a similar more personal note, we have witnessed numerous civic minded individuals testifying they ‘would gladly pay higher property taxes’ to avoid ‘cutting the school budget.’ We can’t name any, however, because every time we heard someone say that, we could never get them to give their name and contact info for follow up by town officials.
Then there’s the Ostrich, which has lectured us ad nauseum on paying more taxes, the cost of democracy, et cetera, et cetera, et chunkus hurlium.
In view of the foregoing, the miserable state of our economy, and our loss of the Naval Air Station and Brunswick Park & Gardens, we are pleased to make a bold step forward in turning things around.
Other Side enterprises proudly announces the creation of a new legal enterprise: ‘FairShare.com.’
While not a law firm, FairShare.com will provide affordable and reliable legal advice to capitalists, wealthy individuals and the otherwise more fortunate who are verklempt over their puny tax obligations.
Our mission is to become the ‘center of excellence’ for paying more, for paying what’s right, for paying your ‘fair share.’ And we intend to do it right here in Brunswick, where fair share is a way of life.
Reflecting our commitment, we promise 72 hour turnaround in revising your tax returns (as far back as 10 years) to assuage your guilt, and to give you the satisfaction you deserve for paying more than the law requires. Should we fail to meet this promise, we’ll gladly increase your obligation at no extra charge.
While overpaying is fraught with complexities, our expertise provides the confidence you seek in paying your fair share, or more if at all possible. Your peace of mind is paramount in what we do, and we will strive to exceed your expectations in every regard.
At the moment, we’re looking for well known public figures to be our spokespersons on radio, TV, and internet ads. We expect the talent pool to be overwhelming both in size and fervor.
We also need qualified calculator operators; experience in multiplying, adding, and dividing is a plus, but is not required. Candidates accepted for these challenging jobs can expect to find lucrative careers as cashiers and toll collectors in future years.
To kick off our practice with a bang, FairShare.com is offering the following introductory fees for our services:
- For Brunswick residents: 5% of your additional tax obligation.
- For non-Brunswick Maine residents, like Chellie Pingree, Donald Sussman, etc, 10% of your additional tax obligation.
- For non-Maine/non-Brunswick citizens, 15% of your added obligation, on which we will pay full income tax rates, unless we can find a tax attorney to get us off with less.
You can’t imagine how excited we are about this breakthrough in applied psycho-legal therapeutics, and how proud we are to put Brunswick on the map in this regard.
It’s the least we could do to see that you do the most you could do.
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