Bowdoin College: "The Worried Well"

WARNING TO CONCERNED PARENTS AND READERS:

WHAT FOLLOWS COULD BE CONSIDERED OUTSIDE THE BOUNDS OF 'PREVAILING COMMUNITY STANDARDS OF DECENCY.'

Even though it is from the latest edition of The Bowdoin Orient, the college newspaper distributed to various locations around town.

So you have been fairly warned.
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Regular readers know that this reporter loves to scan any and all print media found in local establishments, and that The Bowdoin Orient often provides a stunning glimpse into the youth culture, and in particular, the pampered youth culture.

While lunching on Friday, the latest edition of the Orient came into view.

In the midst of a pleasant Big Top lunch, we came across the column titled "From the kitchen to the bed," which begins thus:

Hey babe, want to engage in some sweet sitophilia tonight? As your partner runs screaming out of the room, you'll probably realize that the fastest way to desexualize a fetish is to call it by its proper name. Sitophiliacs are those who find sexual arousal from incorporating food into sexual activity.

This column was a real yawner compared to previous items that addressed the finer points of shaving one's "nether region," and exploring the erotic potential of the prostate. This is what college is about, right?

Bored by this pedestrian matter, your reporter probed further for more profound news from the Ivory Tower. And there on Page 4 was the "Security Report."

If you have no idea what "the worried well" means, or just how pampered the students at our local institution are, try these reports on for size. The citations have been edited for brevity's sake.

- A student with a stomach ailment was transported to Parkview Hospital.

- A student with a back problem was transported to Parkview Hospital.

- A student with cold symptoms was transported to Parkview Hospital.

- A student returned from break to find a room light on and window partially open. There was no sign of entry and nothing was disturbed or missing.

- A student with an ear ache was transported to Parkview Hospital.

Wow...these are frightening emergencies. And since they appear in the official Security Department report, and use the word "transport," we conclude that the "victims" felt it necessary to use the college equivalent of ambulance transport to take them to the Parkview Hospital Emergency Room, which is (oh the horror!)a few blocks from the campus.

Is it too much to expect that an elite college with a billion dollar endowment and a cost of $50,000 per year might have a duty nurse who tells those with an ear ache or "cold symptoms" to take two name-brand aspirins and call back in the morning?

I suppose it is if you are pampered and "Mumsy" and "Daddy" want you to be cured in 8 hours or less, no matter what your malady is.

But there is a larger point to be made. We live in an era of expectations that government should provide "free" health care and a huge variety of other benefits that stem from perceived "rights." No matter what you want, government (meaning others) should provide it.

Health care costs have increased greatly for several reasons, but among the leading factors are utilization and the amazing advances in diagnostics and treatment.

There is no more perfect example of the excesses of "utilization" than that 20 year old young people with an ear ache, or cold symptoms, or other non-life-threatening symptoms need to be "transported" by professionals to a hospital where emergency room treatment is the absolutely most expensive form of health care service.

No doubt the "service minded" darlings at Bowdoin seek economic and social justice and all the other righteous goals of our enlightened era.

Why is it, then, that they appear to be so completely clueless when it comes to the devastating burdens they place upon "public services" at the expense of others?

Where is their humanity and their humility?

Don't answer that...it won't make you any friends.