Obamacar: taking central planning to new highs

Late last year, we  had an item published on The Maine Wire that took the “Obamacare” concept and extrapolated it to an “Obamacar” program. It appeared here, modified for length at their editorial discretion.  This was a follow-on to our more learned piece discussing why Obamacare introduction was so predictably problematic.

Realizing that we have our own editorial discretion available, we hereby post the unexpurgated version of the Obamacar column:

Obamacar: Building on Obamacare's runaway success

Giddy over the devastatingly successful introduction of Obamacare, Debbie Wasserman Schmaltz, Chair of the Democratic National Committee, recently insisted that Democrats will proudly base their 2014 campaign strategy almost entirely on socialism's resurgent popularity. The public's enthusiasm for coercive utopianism, with associated loss of personal liberties, has Democrats in Washington festively planning the next great advance in European style social democracy.

Emboldened by Schmaltz' manic outlook, party luminaries and caucus leaders are working with the Father of Obamacare to design a transfixing sequel to the current blockbuster. They've even directed that history be ignored, so as not to compromise chances for successful bamboozling of the electorate.

(Ed . note: What follows may seem confusing, contradictory, and difficult to navigate. If so, please consult the notes at the end of the column.)

We set out to learn what we could of the new concept. Impeachable sources, speaking on promise of Dunkin Donuts coupons, have told us that the embryonic concept's working title is “The Driver Deception and Affordable Car Act (DDACA).” Given the growing popularity of the President's brand, we fully expect it to be called Obamacar, though 'ACA' might be used by the more wonkish and illusory.

Our sources slipped us copies of handwritten notes from the earliest planning discussion, reportedly held at Restaurant Nora in Washington, DC on a recent Friday night. The cover story was a soiree to celebrate Valerie Jarrett's birthday, replete with radicchio, kale, and all things vegan. The introductory meme the group settled on is this: “for too long, too many have gone without a full ride. We need to make sure everybody can roll in their own. Period.”

We've done our best to interpret and summarize the main points of the new initiative from these notes, and here they are. (The word 'period' after each declaration is implied though not shown.)

• If you like your car, you can keep it.*

• If you like your mechanic, you can keep him.*

• If you like your car dealer, you can keep her.*

• The average working family will see the auto excise tax paid to their town decrease by half.**

• Most Americans will save ($2,500) a year on their transportation expenses.**

• Based on established reputations with local residents, DMV's in the 57 states will become the primary implementers of vehicle purchase exchanges, and for arranging individual transactions. This ensures Obamacar will hit the ground where the rubber meets the road, maximizing the chance of a face plant on the scale of Obamacare.***

• To provide credible leadership and oversight, a federal DMV will be created to oversee and coordinate operations of the state DMV's, guaranteeing that citizen expectations are not only met, but exceeded.

• You have the right to a fair and speedy repair. If you cannot afford a mechanic, a federal public mechanic will be appointed to represent you the next time he travels to your location. You will be placed on a waiting list for repairs, and will be notified by the USPS and DMV when you must bring your vehicle to the regional federal center for repair. Notification is guaranteed to be a minimum of 12 hours in advance.**

• An Office of Vehicle End of Life, headed by Crash Kevorkian, will be established to oversee challenges to and deliberations over remaining cash value of 'elderly' vehicles. Kevorkian will have sole authority to determine when vehicles have reached end of useful life and must be relegated to the smelter for recycling.*******

• Gecko the lizard will be offered a senior position with the federal DMV to spearhead the merger of auto insurance with Obamacare to yield an overall insurance cost reduction averaging minus $5,000 a year per family. A planned major improvement is guaranteed issue of auto coverage regardless of pre-existing collision damage. Another is that young drivers will be covered from age 8 and up.

• Family offspring will have first use rights of parental vehicles on weekend nights, or any other time they like, until age 45.**

• Keeping the 'tank' full is the responsibility of the primary parent or guardian owner.

• Routine service, wear item replacement, and covered repairs are included, subject to an annual deductible of $5,000.*

• A Federal 'common good' authority will establish state and local sub-authorities to pass judgment on the merit of any proposed repairs for which the estimate exceeds $100.*

• Vehicle purchase is mandatory, with non-compliance fines ranging from $1,000 to $3,000 per year. Live downtown, with everything within walking distance? No excuse; you must purchase an Obamacar. Have no parking available, but access to great mass transit? Sorry..you must buy a vehicle to help others afford theirs.

  • Vehicles purchased through Obamacar will include features that everyone wants and needs, including but not limited to: built in infant seats, bike racks, ski racks, wheelchair ramps, scooter mounts, etc.**

• Special tax credits will be available to those who sign up to buy hybrid and fully electric vehicles because of carbon footprint elimination.

• Concerns about battery power are deemed irrelevant; those whose cars begin to get into the low charge range can plug into their neighbor’s fully charged vehicle to refuel their own, or into any compatible vehicle in nearby parking areas. This is 'spreading the charge around' so that everybody gets a fair shot.

• Details of the government's mandated vehicle design have been elusive, but we believe this concept illustration (code-named "Klutz") is indicative of the utilitarian delights of centrally planned public choice:

     

• An undetermined number of car czars will be appointed; the final count depends on how many friends of the White House could use a boost forward on the gravy train of public service. Which is why rumors have it that the production name of the vehicle will be Czar Car.

• Per our sources, the leading candidates for czar positions are friends from the President's transformative days at Harvard, all of whom have extensive experience in the personal transportation field on a number of different scales.

Explanafuscatory notes:

(Note: the following items were intended to be shown in progressively smaller font sizes; unfortunately, this authoring program does not provide sufficient flexibility in that regard.  To get the effect we intended, remove your glasses and step back 6 feet or so from your computer screen.  Or try to read through 3 sheets of wax paper.)

* Some*** restrictions may apply; for details, contact the White House, the Senate Majority Leader, the House Minority Leader, the Secretary of Transportation, and the appropriate Czar's office. Or, you may simply log on to CarCare.gov.

** Payments to sustain the program and provide access to cars for working families will be made by the wealthy via additional tax penalties, confiscation of retirement plan assets, and any other method deemed necessary. The reduction in municipal excise tax must be paid to the federal government, along with a $100 processing fee.

*** The meaning of the word 'some' has not yet been established in a court of law.

**** Government reserves the right to modify all program provisions without notice.

***** See USC code 27WTF.31.86 for more detail.******

****** Note ***** only applies for unrestricted circumstances.

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