Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Milking the Oldies but Goodies files….

Remember those old yarns that begin with “you have two cows, and….?”

Yesterday we ran across some versions of the story we wrote in 2003, so you’ll pardon their “age” if it shows a bit. They still brought a chuckle to staff here at Side offices, so we decided to pass them along as fodder for the current election discourse.

Bowdoin College Cows

Four cows are seen wandering in Brunswick.  They start to cross Maine Street on their way to the Bowdoin Campus.  Two survive, but two become crow cuisine at the road kill cafe when they're hit by an '83 Volvo with a "Free Mumia" bumper sticker.

The two dead cows inspire an activist movement that holds daily peace walks on the very spot the two were killed.  Two of the activists take a digital picture of the dead cows to the Town Clerk, who registers the two cows with a "D" since they are clearly residents of Maine Street.  The activists propose a national "U day", and write a play called the "Udder Monologues" to dramatize the pervasive abuse of cows in our society.

Of the two survivors who make it to the other side, the first is declared a member of an under-represented species on campus by the administration, and is appointed Chair/and first enrollee in a new Bovine Studies program. The other survivor is immediately appointed Special Director of Outreach for Bovine Studies Fund Raising.

The administration announces they are searching for candidates for a new position: "Special Assistant to the President for Zoological Diversity.”

Baldacci Cows

You ran for governor successfully.  You campaigned by going to county fairs and serving free spaghetti and meatballs.  Two cows, one young and one old, broke free from their stalls and stopped by for a free lunch. 

You promised the cows free hay, free bedding, and free veterinary care if they'd just follow you home.  You told them they won't have to give any more milk than they've given in the past.

One year after your inauguration, the younger cow bolts after being milked 24 hours a day.  She joins the cow stampede to New Hampshire, and is replaced by two out of state cows suffering from chronic udder collapse.

The older cow, after contracting severe udder chafe from being over-milked, dies while waiting for an appointment to see the state vet.  You continue to milk her for another 6 months, until her teats plug up when her teeth are sucked into her udder by the vacuum.

While planning for your re-election, you notice there don't seem to be enough young, healthy cows around anymore to run a dairy. 

Ralph Nader Cows

You're out in the wilds campaigning, and you come across a pasture where two cows are debating politics.  You ask to join the debate, but the cows deny you. 

Angered, you tell the cows they're too big for the pasture, and they're consuming an unfair share of the available food supply.  You call the situation unsustainable.

The cows, well-meaning but not particularly bright, agree with you, and agree to live on a combination of half the grass they had been consuming and half their own manure.  You declare this sustainable dairy eco-culture and write a book on the subject. 

A tall college professor and a drunken radio announcer hear about this, declare you brilliant, and join your movement.

Six months later, the cows are suffering from hardening of their teats because you practiced rotating single teat milking, eschewing "clear-milking" practices.  The dairy business collapses, and the state is plagued with huge stockpiles of manure. 

You blame the failure on corporate accounting practices and decide to use the manure to fertilize your hemp fields.

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