Wednesday, October 27, 2010

More Damned Cows: A victory for the Base!!!

Drum roll please, maestro, to introduce the next offering in the now infamous Side series on cows.

Gerzofsky Cows

You don’t have any cows, but you do keep four noisy hogs.  You become concerned when you notice the rising popularity of cows, but aren’t about to give up your hogs.

You decide to take advantage of the growing interest in the cow business.  You don a big Stetson and some western boots, call a press conference at the Augusta Airport, and announce that four and twenty cows have “signed on the dotted line” to do their business on the Brunswick Naval Air Station.  You cite your 25 years as a cow owner and manager in Vermont as crucial to the deal, pointing out that you still keep your hand on the business.  “I know how cows think, and I convinced them that refusing this offer would be an udder mistake.”

You report their milk will be turned into composites for aviation, and their poop burned for “clean energy.”  You propose to capture their methane and convert it to LMG (liquid methane gas) for fueling barbecue grills while reducing carbon hoofprint.  “Downwind Energy has signed on the dotted line to establish a new company that could employ hundreds of unemployed cows if permits and financing can be worked out,” you assert.

You declare this a groundbreaking achievement in a new high tech lacto-manure cluster to be headquartered on the base.  You note the public clamor for jobs, and submit a bill to milk the public for $10 million in ‘vital investment’ funding.

You fall asleep counting cows, and dream of making a fortune selling “Stan and Johny’s” ice cream some day. 

Repeated attempts to gain confirmation of the cow’s signing from the MRRA result in dead silence, and not a single moo is heard from Elsie, head of the Maine Association of Milk Cows, when contacted in Augusta.  Downwind Energy could not be located, and MRRA declined to provide any information, citing advice from attorneys.

Soon, area residents become concerned about the lack of cow sightings on the base, but note the pungent smell of manure hanging over the region in a heavy fog.  Charges of “big hat, no cows” are levied against you.  Bumper Stickers saying “Bravo Sierra in Brunswick” pop up on the cars of retired Naval personnel in the area.

Rumors spread that noted attorney F. Lee Bailey will be coming on board to rescue the operation, demanding that strict protocols be observed in any future discussions.  Town councilors are strangely silent on the news.

In a related story, Governor Baldacci and Democrat leadership appeared before TV cameras in the Hall of Flags this morning to announce that MisFortune magazine has just ranked Maine 1st among the 50 states in the production of un-composted manure.  The editors cited Maine’s consistent manure surplus over the past 35 years as the primary contributor to the high ranking.

Details at 11.

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