Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Wishing upon a star….for non-profit status

Gee, Uncle Walt, can we be a non-profit too?  ‘Cause after thinking about all the other non-profits and how nice everyone treats them, we think we’re just as deserving as they are.  And it sure would be nice to save all that money on taxes, just like they do.

We plan to call ourselves The Poppycock Public College of Disturbing and Embarrassing Societal Realities.  It has a nice ring to it, we think, and we’re hoping TinkerBell will sign on as our mascot.

Here are our qualifications for this esteemed economic status:

  • We are an educational institution, just like Bowdoin College, the widely revered bastion of intellectual superiority here in our little town.  Everything we do is intended to educate somebody, somewhere, sometime.
  • We are clearly non-profit.  We haven’t made one black cent since beginning operations, and we don’t expect we ever will.  You might say we are the poster child for non-profit cachet.
  • Our meager nest-egg wouldn’t make rounding error range for the near billion dollar cache of cash the little college is sitting on.
  • We’re lucky if we can turn a 4% annual return on our nest egg, compared to their near-fantasy level of 22% in this recession plagued economy.
  • We’ve been paying our fair share of taxes for as long as we can remember, and thanks to our town and those who don’t, our share keeps getting bigger and bigger.

That pretty much wraps it up, Uncle Walt, so we’d appreciate anything you can do to help us out on this.

If you can’t grant our wish, could you at least do something to see that the other prominent non-profit here in town has their status changed to more accurately reflect their wealth and highly profitable operations?  That would be the fair thing as far as the rest of us tax-paying schlemiels are concerned.

Besides, we hear they are dead set against tax breaks and loopholes for the wealthiest in this country, so they’re probably already at work on the necessary legal documents.  So it shouldn’t take much ‘star power’ to make our wish come true.

All the schlemiels will be very grateful when municipal property tax revenues increase by 50% or more in one swell foop.  We promise that if you ask what they’re gonna do to celebrate, they will all answer “We’re going to Disneyland!”

So this is win-win, good buddy!

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