Saturday, August 15, 2009

I'm here to help you: really, I am.

As far back as I can remember, the Poppycocks have been known for a chronic affliction with EDD, or Empathy Deficit Disorder. Great Grampappy Poppycock, Grampapa Poppycock, and Daddy Poppycock all exhibited, shall we say, an infectious optimism that they wished upon everyone else.

And so it is that your reporter, a full blooded Poppycock, has been labeled by judgmental cynics far and wide as a “poster child” for EDD. Destined as I am to carry on the family genetic legacy, I must share something personal with you. And I trust that you will keep this to yourself.

Here it is: afflicted as I am, every now and then, a wholly unexpected altruistic urge rises up within my breast, grabs me by the esophagus, and demands that I give it outward expression. And so I am complelled to write to you today.

It is when this urge threatens to squeeze the very breath from me that I realize perhaps I was called to be a public servant, but steadfastly denied the summons. And then today, I recognized that this blog is a vital public service, and that I, as its creator, am a public servant in the finest tradition of that term.

Many of you are facing financial challenges. Some have lost their ass and don’t know where to turn. (For the latter, American ingenuity has devised a remedy: a riding mower with no seat and no steering wheel.)

Renewed and inspired, I write today to help you all. Grab pencil and paper so you can take notes. Here’s my plan.

Send me the complete details of your personal identity, your financial accounts, and your personal property holdings. Please include full disclosure on any and all children and grandchildren you may have.

Once I receive the information, I’ll take out a loan in your name but with the loan proceeds directed to me personally (see note 1).

To alleviate your financial distress, I will immediately send you $700 in a onetime fiscal stimulus payment for each $1,000 borrowed in your name. The more borrowed, the greater the fiscal stimulus you’ll receive. So if you’re only in a slight bit of trouble, perhaps the loan value will be only $1,000, yielding you the $700 cash payment. For those in moderate distress, I suggest a loan of $5,000 in your name, with a stimulus payment of $3500 in real cash money.

And if you’re really strapped, I’m prepared to arrange a loan as high as $20,000 in your name. Imagine getting a check for $14,000 to help you pay all those nagging bills, and help you pay down on your credit card balances. It just doesn’t get any easier or better than this, right?

By now, you’re probably being swept up in the same wave of empathy that is propelling me. So I’m sure you’ll understand why there is one more important provision in my fiscal stimulus plan. I reserve the freedom, once loan proceeds have been deposited in my account, to make cash payments not to you, but to others I consider more deserving than you. I’ll make such decisions based on standards I consider appropriate in such matters (see Note 2.) And you can comfort yourself in being a better person than my forebears were.

There are some pesky details associated with the loan process, but you needn’t worry your pretty little heads about them. You can trust me, because I’m not like all the others. But if you really are interested, see Note 3.

And one more thing; Note 4 provides a philosophical justification for this public service.

No thanks are necessary, but don’t forget to get that personal information to me so we can get your stimulus going as quickly as possible! And remember that when you needed help, I was here for you.


1. Loan is to be secured by your personal property, including your home, bank accounts, or any other real assets necessary.

2. Pursuant to national security regulations, I am prohibited from disclosing the standards used to make such decisions.

3. Loans are to be secured with real property assets and personal financial accounts, as well as liens upon the future earnings of your children and future heirs. Failure to make timely loan payments will result in immediate seizure of these assets, and there will be no recourse to return them to you.

4. What the hell are you complaining about? This is exactly what the leaders you elected are doing!

1 comment:

  1. Dear Mr. Poppycock:

    My name is Joe Sucker and I am attraced to your offer. I am 76 years old and have no living relatives, although there is a Sucker born every day they are not related. I am enclosing my only asset, the deed to the Brooklyn Bridge under which I live and that I bought from a fellow named Bernie Madoff with all my worldly assets. If a bank will not loan you money on it you are welcome to sell it and I have duly endorsed it over to you as you will note on the reverse. I may be reached by mail at Joe Sucker General Delivery Brooklyn, NY 10043.