Sunday, February 7, 2010

Novak to take reins at Other Side

News Alert!! This just in from an insider news service in the Washington area:

In a bulletin issued from an undisclosed location, Robert Novak, the famed columnist, commentator, and TV personality, has announced that he will be taking over Other Side operations, currently headquartered in Brunswick, Maine.  P. C. Poppycock, the founder and current head, will be relegated to a support role, focusing on facilities and other technical matters.

Novak, a legend, was known as the Prince of Darkness during his illustrious career.  He pointed out that Maine is the first place in the Continental US to go dark every day, and thus has always occupied a special place in his thoughts.

I’ve been impressed by the potential for darkness shown by Other Side during its brief existence, but persistent questions about it’s awful reputation led me to believe they needed a leadership makeover,” Novak said in the bulletin.  “And the writing…..uh, well, it’s better suited for obituaries rather than informing and influencing.  I’ll be changing the editorial image of Other Side immediately, and I’m confident I can bring some new life to its pages.”

Novak says he’s studied the demographics and the economy in the state and region, and believes there is unlimited potential to expand Other Side operations into adjacent business areas.  As Novak sees it, Other Side focuses on transporting readers “to another place,” and expansion into aviation is the natural next step.

He claims that considering the number of people who will be “leaving” the Mid-Coast, one way or another, he envisions a veritable “innumerable caravan” of flights taking off from the base.  Novak believes his plan would “further cement Brunswick as a global leader in the aviation world.” 

Building on the Side brand, Novak said he expects the business model to focus on two primary destinations, originally referred to as “Dark Side” and “Bright Side.”  Loathe to reveal the details, Novak said he’s been forced to put protocols in place, and has simply re-labeled the destinations “Heaven” and “Hell.”  “We may add a third intermediate hub destination,” he added, “and we’re calling it Purgatory for now.”

Known for driving at high speeds in his Corvette, Novak was asked whether the black 07 model seen bouncing off the guard rails just south of Exit 28 in recent weeks could have been him. Novak replied “No way in hell would I be caught dead doing such a thing.”

Novak claims to have made important new business contacts in his remote location, one of whom is Howard Hughes, the aviation genius who founded Hughes Aircraft Company.  After describing his ideas, Novak says Hughes told him the concept is “a tremendous opportunity for Brunswick, far beyond anything I had imagined.”

Hughes has been looking for a lucrative market for his famed Spruce Goose Aircraft, and believes the 8000 ft runways at BNAS, once flooded to the proper depth, should provide the ideal home base for his masterpiece.  Hughes also told Novak he was confident that the plane’s 8 huge engines could be made to run on Class A bio-solids, providing a real benefit to the local focus on recycling.

Novak and Hughes have indicated that they will need redevelopment authorities to invest in a lumber mill on the base if their proposal is to “get the chance it deserves to succeed.”  Hughes said the mill will be needed to make replacement parts for the lead aircraft, and could be used to provide raw materials for subsequent models “once the idea takes off.”

Mindful that there is a risk associated with their concept, both reminded local officials that the lumber mill would be useful in marketing the base for “other opportunities.”  Both believe there will be a growing need for “specialized, custom finished wooden boxes” in the coming years and the mill would be perfectly suited for such a business.

Aware they face a public relations challenge, Novak and Hughes have enlisted another expert they’ve come to know, a Public Relations genius who goes by the single name “Beetlejuice.”  Both praised him, saying that while “at first glance, he can be a bit off-putting, he has an other-worldly knack for building consensus among public officials using a unique set of team building exercises.” 

As an example, they provided this video of a recent bonding ritual conducted in another small New England village.

“I’m confident that the team we’ve put together will set the standard for all other redevelopment activities at BNAS,” the Novak release concluded.

Repeated attempts to reach Novak for further comment were unsuccessful; known phone numbers were no longer in service, and a new number could not be found.

I suppose you’re thinking this entire story is a fabrication.  You’re asking yourself why somebody as important as Robert Novak would have any possible interest in a forsaken little town in an economic backwater like Maine, stuck off in a remote corner of the country. And why would he associate himself with an utter nobody like P. C. Poppycock, who’s been an utter failure at everything he’s done in recent years?  Why would Novak put his superb reputation at stake by jumping into the quicksand with a bunch of nobodies?

What could he possibly have to gain from such a bizarre and risky business proposition?

Good.  It is a fabrication.

But now you understand the questions that should come to mind about F. Lee Bailey affiliating himself with Oxford Aviation and Jim Horowitz.

Why would he do such a thing, and what does he stand to gain from it?

And most of all, why aren’t state and local officials asking these questions before pouring taxpayer money into a completely unwarranted and speculative “undertaking?”


  1. To counter your negative press, Steve Levesque was on National Pubic Radio this AM to tout the benefits of the investments in the BNAS including the airfield which he claims will be operational by the fall of this year. I believe he is organizing an event like the Tall Ships at Boothbay. He is expecting Eddie Rickenbacker, Howard Hughes, Amelia Aerhart and is reaching across the seas to the Red Baron.

  2. One has to allow for the possibility that F. "Lee" Bailey sees Jim Horowitz as his latter day O. "Juice" Simpson.

    Perhaps he can get O. Juice to be a headliner at the next Air Show, hugging and mugging with Jim.