Saturday, October 31, 2009

Breaking News! Bowdoin Students invite Townies to vote!

Extra, Extra! Side just received this communique from the Bowdoin College Student Government Central Committee. We are posting it in the spirit of full disclosure, and so that readers can take the steps necessary to avail themselves of a rare and golden opportunity.

October 31, 2009
Bowdoin College Student Government Central Committee
Memorandum on Election Inclusiveness

From: Hans-Marie Von Hoogenfloogengendenbenden-Schwartz, Outreach Csar


Mumsy and Chris brought me up to understand that beyond the certain je ne sais quoi that comes with life in the aristocracy, a soupcon of Noblesse Oblige is ever so impressive as well.

I explained this to the Central Committee after reading the recent college voting post on "The Other Side of Town," and they responded with a hearty Boola Boola. Acting forthknightly, they committed to reaching out to local residents in a spirit of open and affirming collegiality. Following a brief discussion of the specifics, I was authorized to speak to the town on their behalf.

Inclusiveness is a core principle of the Bowdoin experience. As is an accessible tolerance for a pluralistic multi-ideological electoral experience grounded in sustainability and carbon neutrality.

To express its unswerving devotion to these universally accepted tenets, the Central Committee has directed me to announce that Brunswick residents are invited to vote in the upcoming BCSG elections, to be held this coming Tuesday.

Committee officials graciously deigned that town residents will each be accorded a 3/5 vote in the election. To make things more convenient for the proletariat, and to avoid untoward desecration of the college grounds, officials declared that appearing to vote is not required, and is, to be politely blunt, discouraged.

"We were afraid the cultural and class differences would so complicate things as to make the process unwieldy and unpleasant for all," said Jill-Earnest Vejan-Windmilller, committee member and Campus Purity Csar.

Registration for the BCSG election is simple, according to Dubbell "Deuce" Stand-Hard, committee member and Registration Csar. Democrats can hold up a copy of a Brunswick phone book, a Brunswick newspaper, or stand anywhere in Brunswick while looking into one of Bowdoin's numerous security cameras stationed around town.

Independents can sing the Bowdoin Alma Mater in front of any of the cameras.

Republicans can call the Bowdoin President's Office anytime between 2 and 4 am, and spell chrysanthemum backwards twice, followed by forwards thrice, followed by recitation of the Whales Tales drinking contest chant while patting their head and rubbing their stomach. Those who do so correctly will have their registration request taken under advisement, and will be notified when it has been adjudicated.

Don't call us, we'll call you.

Local plebians whose registration is in order are directed to mark their electoral preferences on any available scrap of triple recycled paper, and to place it in an official green Brunswick Trash Bag to guarantee privacy and security.

Large green ballot boxes will be placed at the outermost four corners of the campus as a convenience to new voters. As a security measure, the ballot boxes will be disguised as trash dumpsters. Committee officials are in the process of arranging for consultants to pick up the ballot boxes at midnight Tuesday, for transfer to the appropriate destination.

Jacques-Alice Van Gleason III, a third cousin four times removed of the Monarch of the Yuengling Beer Dynasty, and committee Sanctimony Csar, was overcome with pride at this gesture of grace toward the less fortunate.

"The long-suffering people of town have so little meaning in their lives, and so little to look forward to, other than perhaps scoring one of our Volvo or Saab discards as we leave our beloved campus after completing the purchase of our degree. We must never forget that town adults are our past, and we do this for them in the name of all who have been annointed and will be annointed with the most reverent spirit of the endangered Polar Bear."

For further information, or to arrange for an interview, contact Hans-Marie Von Hoogenfloogengendenbenden-Schwartz, Outreach Csar, at Central Committee Headquarters. Or by phone at 1-800-SaveThePolarBears.

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