Sunday, January 31, 2010

Brunswick & MRRA announce purchase of Brooklyn Bridge

In what they described as an unanticipated miracle, Brunswick and the Miscast Redevelopment Regional Agency today announced that an understanding had been reached with F. Lee Bailey Properties to purchase the Brooklyn Bridge.

Speaking through Poppycock Strategies, their consultant hired to obfuscate, articulate, pontificate, and bloviate in such matters, the purchasers said that the bridge was a perfect fit, and since it fits, they must act on it.

“We were intrigued by Bailey’s presentation of what the base could look like after the bridge is shipped to Brunswick, repainted, and installed,” said local dignitaries.  Shown in the photo below, Bailey’s firm projected how the bridge would connect the fully developed base on the right to US 1, which would be rerouted to the other side of the Androscoggin to accommodate the bridge’s span, and make room for the expected economic boom.


Emphasizing synergy with the local economy, Bailey pointed out the two BIW destroyers sailing on the Androscoggin in the photo, and said they were “vital to compensating for the tools of war lost with the closing of BNAS.”

“We all know that the mid-coast area is a hotbed of national security thinking,” he added, and “if the region is to prosper, it’s role in defense must be leveraged economically.”

Bailey told Other Side that the MOU for bridge purchase was negotiated under the imprimatur of Oxford Bridges, a newly formed spinoff of star-crossed Oxford Aviation.

The agreement, he said, would require a “public show of faith” from the town. In response, Town Councilors promised to swiftly convene an executive session to approve a CDBG (Community Development Bridge Grant) in order to help finance the purchase.  “I guess this is what ‘bridge loan’ means,” said a councilor who denied that his affiliation with BIW influenced his support for the purchase.

When asked whether or not the city of New York might miss the bridge, Bailey told Other Side ”don’t worry, be happy.”  “There are more bridges where this one came from, and I can help you get them.”

Bailey added that he’s got an idea on how to bring the Florida Everglades to the base to stop the snow-birds from fleeing the area in winter.  “This will make the ‘Brunswick Park and Gardens’ idea look like a DUI hearing compared to the O.J. Simpson trial,” according to Jim Horrorwits, Oxford Bridge’s Public Relations Manager.

“Sure, some folks see the area as nothing but swamps, but if you’re gonna turn things around in this backwater, you’re gonna have to do a little speculating,” he added.  “And you can trust me on this, because I’m not like all the others.”

“Talk about your vernal pools!  I’ve got an idea for a vernal resort, and I’ve been in contact with my old friend Bernie Madeoff, who has some great ideas on how to finance the whole thing.  He envisions a faerie shrimp fishery to offset expenses, and has lots of other inventive ideas.”

On the way out of the interview, Bailey said he’d have his people get in touch with Poppycock Strategies to work on a win-win strategy.

P. C. Poppycock, reluctant to reveal any details, suggested that “music hath charms to soothe the economically troubled,” and offered this in signing off:

No comments:

Post a Comment